Road Trip to Yellowstone

4 years since the last post! So, first road trip of any significance as an adult...long overdue. Feels weird traveling 1000's of miles without going to the airport. 7 Days 1884 Miles Driven, ~30 On Dirt 5 States 376 Pictures 0 Animals Killed 0 Cars Killed 4,614 Bugs Killed 180 Rounds Of Ammo Day 1: We didn't get out the door quite as early as planned. Speaking of plan, I shouldn't have trusted google maps. Despite what google is actually capable of these days, apparently differentiating between pavement and dirt is beyond their technological expertise. We decided to turn around after a couple miles as we had no idea how long it went on for, Julie pulled up a satellite view and it appeared to be dirt for quite a while. So, back to the highway and sitting in traffic Saturday morning once again. We stopped for late lunch in Casper at Black Gold Grille, tons of people in there having some sort of meeting but we were the only one's eating. I surprised there wasn't a knocked over sign in front of the entrance "You must be this tall wide to enter. Good food, but we needed to get out of there before they kicked our skinny asses for not driving a 'Mercan make truck. We drove through Thermopolis and stopped at the natural hot springs (largest in the world if you can believe the sign). There was an old bathhouse that was the nearest restroom, something we both desperately needed. Something we didn't need...bunch of old naked people with zero dignity. We walked around the dock like platform, felt the hot water and microbe colonies that look like mineral deposits but are instead soft algae. Then made our way across a cable suspension foot bridge that swayed and twisted and rocked, that after the unfortunate nudity, and the heights, no bueno. Back to the car, again, yet another hour or so until we would get to Greybull for the night. En route I had to take evasive action to avoid multiple counts of vehicular homicide. First a prairie dog, then a pair of antelope. Momma 'lope waited, patiently at the side of the road, waiting for the right moment. It trotted right into my lane and stood there as I panic braked, then baby 'lope caught up and they continued on their way. They didn't poop nearly as much as we did. We kept driving, in the rain, with the top down. It turns out you stay dry, at least at 70mph. Greybull, 7:30pm on a Saturday and you want to eat? Well, you get pizza. Everywhere (like 2 other restaurants) else is closed. At least it was pretty good. Back to our room at the Historic Greybull Hotel, walk up the creepy and creaky stairs to your 100+ year old room. You get: a shower with the Hot/Cold backwards, 2 tiny beds so soft you would wake up sore...assuming you feel asleep; but that didn't happen because the walls are too thin, the floors to noisy, and well the train yard next door doesn't help much either. After a few hundred miles on the road in cowboy country a couple trends started to appear. First, 90% of passenger vehicles are big trucks. Most with giant chrome grill guards (carefully designed as to not block the blue oval or bow-tie), presumably to give you a fighting chance against the animals. Second, there are a ton of long distance motorcyclists. Roughly 40% Harleys (or at least look and sound like them), 40% BMW's, 10% Goldwings, 10% other.

Day 2: Free continental breakfast at the Greybull includes Coscto muffins (yum) and warm milk to go along with your cereal (not so yum). We hit the road again, off to Bighorn National Forest. The idea of hiking when it's 98 degrees didn't sound great. We hoped to instead float down a relaxing river with some adult beverages but you get your choice of booked solid, strap a kayak to your convertible and try to solve the problem of getting back to your car after floating miles down river from it, or go down rapids with a dozen new best friends screaming for a couple hours. So, we hiked. Take Hwy 14 to 14A to Forest Road 14. More dirt. Forest Ranger says it's in good shape, doesn't matter what kind of vehicle you're in. Ha! 10 miles, EACH WAY! My black interior is now brown. Somehow, the mirrors are still attached, all fluids retained (the car, can't say the same for us), and our spines and spleens still in tact, barely. There were several large pucker moments. Sitting low, no ground clearance, can't see the the mountains and valleys in the road until you are upon them. At this point, with the terrible traction, all you can do is swear. There was unintentional sliding, there was intentional swerving, and there was a lot of luck. At last the altitude dropped the temperature a lot. We went on a planned 4 mile hike that was actually 6. It was high, and there was a bit of a climb, and the waterfall which we were supposed to be hiking too was never closer than about a mile away, across a huge valley. Pretty, yes-but nothing we don't have by home. We can add to the list of things we've had to stop for, cows, sheep, and tourists. More rain, still dry with the top down as slow as 40mph-until the wind picked up. More driving...about 1.5 hours to Cody. Bigger town, this is relative, the place we wanted to eat is closed Sundays. So we went to an overpriced steak joint with terrible service and stupid prices. My car needs to be parked under a waterfall and we need a good night's rest. Nice to have a comfortable king bed and a bunch of logs between us and the rest of the world. Taxidermists everywhere, including one who's posted slogan was "Moose our mouse, drag it to our house."

Day 3: We finally have a day without hours and hours of driving. It was a quick jaunt from Cody to our horse ranch just outside the east entrance to Yellowstone. Without having to pay for or request a private ride, that’s what we got. Just the 2 of us and our Long Island transplanted wrangler. The two hour ride was by far the most beautiful either of us can remember, and also the most adventurous. It ranks up there with riding on the beach in Mexico. We went up and down some pretty steep terrain, across a river, over a bridge, and by a bear. Julie’s horse was very polite, trying to get permission by craning her neck to see if Julie would let her bend down for a bite. Mine…she skewered me with branches and side swiped many, many, trees. I think she was trying to get me off so she could eat everything in sight. I spent 1/3 of the trip yanking her head up, 1/3 of the trip trying to stay on the saddle and keep on the trail, and 1/3 ogling the scenery. Apparently horses can smell bears and 2 of the 3 started acting funny; mine was too busy trying to get rid of me to notice. I don’t know what got my attention but I turned my head to the left and through the trees I could see a grizzly cub meandering about. It was checking us out from about 50-100 feet away. I gave up on taking a picture because we didn’t stop, momma had to be nearby and we didn’t want her to feel threatened. Our guide says she averages seeing a bear a week. We got lucky. We went to another ranch for lunch, last stop before the park. I couldn’t pass up the bison burger and it was fantastic. It probably wasn’t the most polite thing to eat before trying to spot wild bison in the park. After lunch we followed the never ending caravan of RV’s, Harley’s, and giant trucks in our tiny little car. It’s obvious when there’s wildlife to see because the line of cars is endless. People stop in the middle of the road, the shoulder, send runners ahead to scout for the rest of the family-it’s sort of horrible to see so many stupid people like us. At least we aren’t dumb enough to get out of the car and walk away from the road to get a closer shot of a GODDAMN GRIZZLY BEAR! Yes, people did this. Yes, we saw another bear, this one was full grown and I had no interest in getting any closer. It was already only 50 yards or so from the road. I have this thing called a zoom lens; people need to learn about them. They do the walking for you, you stay alive-pretty cool. We got some shots and kept moving, on to the next line at the theme park. Next up, bison. Live ones, we got to see them in the flesh…before they get ground up for burgers. It’s amazing that something that looks so lazy and weighs 2000 pounds can run 30mph and would happily destroy your car when you drive too close or put a hole in your back as you pose for a selfie. They’ve recently done both, thankfully. We saw some deer and elk, cool but far from novel for us, we kept on moving. We saw and stopped to check out some stinky, bubbling, steaming water too. Here’s an actual conversation we overheard. Daughter: “Mommy, it smells funny.” Mom: “It smells like your butt.” Now we are in a motel. It’s old, and half the stuff doesn’t work but it’s at least warmer and drier in here than the 39 degree drizzle outside. It promised a/c and breakfast, it had neither. They encourage you to try to use wifi from a sister motel (next door) but it didn't work. It was hot, loud, and we were glad to leave.

Day 4: Our day started with a cafe/bakery for breakfast and sandwiches to go for lunch. Got cheated on the roast beef, it was more like a bread sandwich with a smear of beef. Our pastry jockey was apparently a star in the bustling West Yellowstone play scene. Our hotel was maybe 1/4 mile from the park entrance, we got gas first which put us another 1/4 mile away. It took 1 full hour to get into the park, traffic was awful. What's that smell...roadkill? Nope; I wish. Clutch. Love that nostril burning. Once finally in the park, we drove around and found a less popular waterfall that required zero hiking. Then to paint/mud/fountain pots, some geysers, grand prismatic springs and then to old faithful. It was breezy and cold, we almost watched old faithful from inside but it started to warm up and the sun came out just in time. There must have been 500-1000 people; nature just isn't the same with that many people gawking. After the brief show we took a tour around the other close by springs and geysers. That was our last attraction in YS-off to our hotel for the night in Driggs (ID). The route took us through Grand Teton NP and then Jackson, WY. More traffic, no interesting animals close enough to the road. GT NP was really pretty, really small, and much more enjoyable with such a small fraction of the cars. So happy to have another real hotel with a king bed and a/c.

Day 5: Our last NP hike and our last chance to see a moose, something Julie (and I) really wanted to see. We read reports that Moose Wilson Road (seriously) was the most likely place to spot them. Zero moose, another 6+ miles of off-roading, and more amazing scenery. We hiked up a few hundred feet over about 1.5 miles. It seemed steep at the time, day 6 changed our perspective on that. The lake was gorgeous, not many people on the trail. No wildlife besides chipmunks, squirrels, and small fish. Moose Wilson Road on the way out for another chance at a moose spotting, no dice. About 300 miles on clear and scenic roads later we were finally in Provo. Ready for another nice room, this time for 2 nights in the same place! In-N-Out for Dinner...and lunch the next day.

Day 6: Free waffles and bacon, great way to start the day. Quick (30 minute) drive to the Timpanogoos National Monument where we start our hike for the cave tour. We were given 1.5 hours to do 1.5 miles. That seems like a lot, and it turned out to be about 30 minutes more than we actually needed. We were briefed with the rest of our small group by a ranger. We had to practice covering our heads and ducking. There are many sections of trail where you are not permitted to stop due to the excessive rock fall risk. There were warning signs everywhere: cliffs, falling rocks, don't attempt if you have heart problems, etc, etc. They weren't kidding when they say strenuous. You climb 1,092 feet in 1.5 miles to a final altitude of 6,730 feet. That's a 14% grade, more than enough to fry a cars brakes or a humans legs on the way up and toes on the way down. We witnessed a pickup, (no trailer) pouring water on it's brakes half way down a 10% grade, that water instantly vaporized. Waiting for us at the top was another ranger who clearly had a difficult time in high-school. Is that a requirement? We were very happy to be rejuvenated by the cave's 45 degree temperature. We totally geeked out in the cave. Lots of cool formations and history. The cave was apparently discovered by a pair of 14 year old boys picnicking up in the area with their family. I don't know how they got up there without the paved trail. You have a choice of cliffs or rock slides waiting to happen. There was a small orchestra room. The ranger demonstrated it's perfect acoustics by whipping out his wooden flute from his Native American style sling case. We actually thought the sound of the flute in the cave was pretty cool. Not sure if that makes us bigger dorks. The trip down was obviously much less strenuous and somewhat enjoyable. I managed to space out just long enough to put a foot off the edge of the paved trail. I stupidly sprained my stupid ankle just 25 stupid feet from the parking lot. Stupid. That giant backpack and first aid kit that I get crap for lugging around came in handy, again. In-N-Out for lunch, then to the gun range. I don't think I've ever been around so many hicks. Same thing in every state. Giant trucks outnumbering cars up to about 10:1. Stickers like "It's called tourist season,so why can't we shoot them?" Hats. Guns. Meat. Julie was excited to hold a gun for the first time. Very uncharacteristically, I just grab, load, aim, fire. Apparently while I was blasting away, Julie was getting tips from people in there who actually know what they're doing. We tried 4 guns, 100 rounds through 2 9mm's Julie chose unwisely as her's jammed 3 times. Then we tried a .45, 50 rounds. It's a bit more satisfying, the recoil was kept in check by the slightly bigger gun. Then a .223 (projectile about the size of a .22 but 3X the velocity of a 9mm) riffle with a scope. That's where Julie kicked my ass. I went first, did fine. At 20 yards I can't see holes in the target after her first 2 shots, I thought I saw the bullets hitting the backstop high/right. I said I thought she missed high and right. She casually pulls the target back in for a closer look. The first 2 shots were in the 1/2" bulls-eye. I had to alter my vocabulary and suspend my beliefs. I already had 1 strike against me for not driving there on a Harley or in a truck. One mention of sweet baby Jesus and I'd have been swiss-cheesed. Now she wants to take a class. Oh darn, we have to do this again. I demand a rematch!

Day 7: Free waffles and sausage, another great start to another long day. We got a bunch of snack food to munch on so we didn't have to stop for lunch. Unfortunately, much of eastern Utah and Colorado look about the same. Dry openness, and a few interesting rock formations sprinkled in. On the bright side, much of the trip had really high speed limits and I had a radar detector (which came in very handy a few times). The most exciting thing on the way home was a fire. Someone crashed their car and ended up about 50ft from the road. From what was left it was obvious something very hot by something very flammable would start a roadside show. Crews were battling the roadside wildfire as well as they could with the water they were able to truck in. After about 250 miles of the same terrain, we stopped in Palisade for some gas and peaches. Finally home, after another 240 miles. So very glad to be headed east on I-70, west was crawling for miles. If you want to camp, apparently heading out after work Friday evening is a terrible idea. Still exhausted after about 9 hours in our own bed. Everything went fast-the car, the days, the trip. I imagine it would have been so very different with kids. It would have been...much...much more difficult to enjoy. So, thank you parents for putting up with me and taking me to do this so long ago. We somehow got a large backpack, 2 hiking shoes, cooler, laptop back, purse, food, etc, etc in the small trunk.

Time to start planning the next adventure.